Cooking is not my forte. Let me state that upfront. I have other talents. (I am yet to discover them, but I am convinced they are there. Somewhere.)

My culinary duties have been restricted to breakfast and making pancakes. (My pancakes are on par with the best church bazaar pancake out there, I’ll have you know.)

When my wife became to busy to spoil me and our guests with fresh pesto, grilled lightly smoked trout, chickpea curry or beetroot chocolate cake, I faced a conundrum. Peanut butter sandwiches can only go so far. (Which is much further than most people suspect.) Thus, I was forced to make a momentous decision. Nandos vs. cooking myself. Nandos was vetoed by the wife and I was left with a free range Pick n Pay lamb roast I had to get from raw to cooked for four people.

When in doubt, consult with Woollies. Or Woollies Taste Magazine. I spent the morning trolling their site and discovered a myriad of lamb recipes. I chose the ‘Coffee and cardamom lamb’ recipe, not because the prep time is listed as 5min, but because of the coffee. (That is my story and I am sticking to it.)

As accompaniment I chose the ‘Summer vegetables’ and for dessert ‘Verjuice poached nectarines’. As the only nectarines I could find were imported from Spain, I decided against the horrendous amount of carbon miles accumulated by the punnet of fruit and bought a Woollies Carrot Cake instead. (That is my story and I am sticking to it.)

Back in 1998 when I cycled from England to Scotland and entered Edinburgh two weeks later during the Edinburgh Festival, I gained some more waitressing experience at a little French restaurant. The chef was, as most chefs are, off his fucking head, drunk most of the time and scarred by gas ovens cooked over while drunk.

Now, some 12 years later, I understand why chefs drink. Cooking is a most nerve wrecking occupation. Not only can you send your guests to an early grave (perhaps not with a lamb roast), you have to time dishes, make sure they are still warm when served and figure out what wine is paired best with your lamb roast! Needless to say I drank a tad more than my usual one glass of red wine, but luckily did not pick up any scars.

Thanks to the sulphates in the wine and a bout of serious sinus, I was left with no viable taste buds by the time I served up the lamb and summer vegetables. With great dread I watched the guests slice that first bit of lamb, look up at the ceiling whilst chewing and then clear their throats to deliver their verdict.

Fabulous! Lovely! Baie Lekker. Who would have guessed? I am still not totally convinced. Even if they stuck to their verdicts after I threatened to cook for them AGAIN.

Even though I numbed my senses with a 2005 Dornier Merlot, I quite enjoyed the experience of preparing food for people, so I will continue to do so. And continue to report on it.

COFFEE AND CADAMOM LAMB

Ingredients

1.5 kg leg of lamb

1 tablespoon freshly ground coffee

2 tablespoons whole coriander seeds, crushed

5 cardamom pods

2 teaspoons turmeric

Freshly ground black pepper

Olive oil

Cooking instructions

Preheat the oven to 180°C. Rub the leg of lamb with coffee and spices. Drizzle with a little olive oil and place in a roasting pan.

For rare, cook 20 minutes per 500g, 30 minutes for medium and 40 minutes for well done. Allow to rest for 20 minutes before carving. Serve with preserved lemon.

Summer Vegetables

Ingredients

1 onion, chopped

Olive oil

3 cloves garlic, crushed

3 large red, yellow or orange sweet peppers, thickly sliced

1 small brinjal, chopped

250 g baby marrows, thickly sliced

1 x 140 g can crushed tomatoes

½ cup Italian vegetable stock

½ cup Italian vegetable stock

A few sprigs fresh thyme

Maldon sea salt and ground black pepper, to serve

Cooking instructions

Preheat the oven to 190ºC. On the stovetop and in a large ovenproof pan, soften the onion in 30 to 45ml (2 to 3T) heated oil. Stir in the garlic, and then the sweet pepper, brinjal and baby marrow.

Cook gently for about 10 minutes. Add the tomato, stock, thyme and seasoning Turn into an oiled baking dish. Drizzle with olive oil and bake for about half an hour or until very tender.